It happened yesterday. Or ten months ago. Maybe it was a full lifetime. It doesn't really matter because the fact is that it happened.
He lost a bet. Fifty dollars to be put into my hand at an undetermined date and time. One that is yet to come...or won't ever come. Whatever. The important thing is that he lost.
And that meant I won.
More than I ever imagined I would win. That bet made me the richest woman on the planet.
I radiate my wealth daily. On the good days, I shine like gold. On the bad days, my luster is still present.
He made me rich. And there is not enough appreciation in the whole world for such a wealth.
I get richer every single day.
I am full of admiration, wonder, happiness...and most of all...love.
So thanks for losing that bet.
I remember laying in the grass, shaking with anticipation. Willing the tears not to fall. Forcing my mouth to resist forming the words that hung so thick in the air around us. Wondering if you could hear my heart slamming against my ribcage. If you were thinking and feeling the same things as I. If I was being a fool and how in the hell I had missed finding that exact feeling my whole life.
Today I know the answers to all but my wonders will never cease when I look at you. Ever.
Because your love is too simple for the complex man.
Because your love is too big to ever ingnore.
Because...I'm still waiting for that fifty.
Monday, July 11, 2011
What are you looking for inside of my head?
She keeps telling me she wants to know more. That she misses me and wants to know whats in my brain these days. Really what shes asking is why did I do it. She's looking for an explanation of my actions and wanting to know how it is that I am surviving...or even more amazingly living...through the past year. Just to let her off the hook, she's not the only one wondering but not quite enough to just open their mouths and ask the questions they are wishing the answers for. People have their own lives. And since my actions do not actually affect their lives, there is no real point in having a real conversation and asking questions. Right?
Truth is this...
I began my latest journey not knowing where I was headed. (I still have not a clue as to where my life is going.) And aside from the initial ramblings when I tried to reassure myself that I was doing not only the right thing for me but the right thing for every party involved by getting the advice of a few really close people, I have not actually opened up about anything involving my life for the past year. I did it on purpose. For the first time in my life, I decided to live for me. I made a concious decision to do what was going to be in MY best interest and stop living for the people around me. It was hard. Hella hard. But I shut myself off from anyone that was extended beyond the immediate situation. I didn't want outside opinions to hinder or change whatever decisions I was making in my heart and in my logical head. I wanted to be me...for me...for once.
Once I got past those decision making times and came to terms with the direction my life was headed in, I didn't make it a point to bring back in the people I love. If they wanted to know, they knew where to find me. I continued on my path and the more I traveled and the more I found the way back to myself, the more I realized that I loved the comfort of my small little bubble. My man, my kids, my work. Nothing in the outside world meant anything close to those three things. They were my new life. They still are. And I am very happy living in that bubble.
But she wants to see in my head.
And I want to write.
For me.
I found myself again, dear sister. Lost once in a world no one believes, I have emerged as a butterfly; colorful as ever and at peace with my world.
Truth is this...
I began my latest journey not knowing where I was headed. (I still have not a clue as to where my life is going.) And aside from the initial ramblings when I tried to reassure myself that I was doing not only the right thing for me but the right thing for every party involved by getting the advice of a few really close people, I have not actually opened up about anything involving my life for the past year. I did it on purpose. For the first time in my life, I decided to live for me. I made a concious decision to do what was going to be in MY best interest and stop living for the people around me. It was hard. Hella hard. But I shut myself off from anyone that was extended beyond the immediate situation. I didn't want outside opinions to hinder or change whatever decisions I was making in my heart and in my logical head. I wanted to be me...for me...for once.
Once I got past those decision making times and came to terms with the direction my life was headed in, I didn't make it a point to bring back in the people I love. If they wanted to know, they knew where to find me. I continued on my path and the more I traveled and the more I found the way back to myself, the more I realized that I loved the comfort of my small little bubble. My man, my kids, my work. Nothing in the outside world meant anything close to those three things. They were my new life. They still are. And I am very happy living in that bubble.
But she wants to see in my head.
And I want to write.
For me.
I found myself again, dear sister. Lost once in a world no one believes, I have emerged as a butterfly; colorful as ever and at peace with my world.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Flying lessons...
"I want to start a new blog."
"Then do it," he says. Just like that. Simple and straight forward.
It really is just that easy, isn't it? Wow. I never realized how utterly simple life can be if I just relax and let it flow.
___________________________________________________________________________
In the not too distant past, I came to the realization that there were a matching set of bones growing from my back. I wasn't sure where they came from, but the malformation was unmistakable and once they began to break skin, they weren't about to retreat back beneath the surface. It took some soul searching, some tears and an unfathomable amount of courage that I never believed I possessed but I did it. I sprouted wings and I began to fly.
I'm still learning this new skill and I'm sure it will take me a lifetime to master but at least I started my lessons. That is, as I've heard, the hardest part of the journey. Those first timid steps along the path when you are not sure whether you should walk or run or just stand very, very still. When you can't remember if you are supposed to go left or right to keep in line with what you have been taught and told throughout your life. When you are alone and waiting for someone to reach out and lend their hand, their shoulder, their heart before you realize that what you really need to be doing is making your own path and holding your own hand. Yeah, I'm past that part.
Hahahaha...yeah right.
I'm not past any part. I am hovering above the path with my newfound wings fluttering in the breeze hoping that I can withstand the next big wind that gets blown directly into my face. I am scared of the darkness that surrounds me and the uncertainty that abounds in this neck of the woods but I am determined to continue down the path on my way to whatever comes after this life that we are now living. I am determined to let the past be the past and the future be this amazing adventure of smiles and laughter, tears and fears, trials and tribulations...and fun. Definitely have to have the fun.
I am determined to live my life as me. That is my only goal. I just want to be me.
And who is that?
I am the conglomeration of a lot of things. I am a separated woman beginning the legal proceedings of a mostly amicable divorce, the mother of two young children, and the girlfriend of a man who reminds me daily that life can be as simple or as complicated as I let it be.
So when that man tells me to "do it", I am going to stand up and take notice. I will consider why I can or cannot accomplish a task and what I have to do to benefit from it while still being true to the being that I have been neglecting for some time. The me that has remained hidden for quite some time but is now out and flying and ready to see the world and to experience it's beauty. Yes, when he tells me that I can do something, I know that I can do it. Because he has faith in me and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.
So I am off and flying. Watch your heads for falling obscenities and random acts of bitchiness. They are likely to occur here often for that is who I am and that is who I plan to celebrate being for the rest of my days here on theis planet.
"Then do it," he says. Just like that. Simple and straight forward.
It really is just that easy, isn't it? Wow. I never realized how utterly simple life can be if I just relax and let it flow.
___________________________________________________________________________
In the not too distant past, I came to the realization that there were a matching set of bones growing from my back. I wasn't sure where they came from, but the malformation was unmistakable and once they began to break skin, they weren't about to retreat back beneath the surface. It took some soul searching, some tears and an unfathomable amount of courage that I never believed I possessed but I did it. I sprouted wings and I began to fly.
I'm still learning this new skill and I'm sure it will take me a lifetime to master but at least I started my lessons. That is, as I've heard, the hardest part of the journey. Those first timid steps along the path when you are not sure whether you should walk or run or just stand very, very still. When you can't remember if you are supposed to go left or right to keep in line with what you have been taught and told throughout your life. When you are alone and waiting for someone to reach out and lend their hand, their shoulder, their heart before you realize that what you really need to be doing is making your own path and holding your own hand. Yeah, I'm past that part.
Hahahaha...yeah right.
I'm not past any part. I am hovering above the path with my newfound wings fluttering in the breeze hoping that I can withstand the next big wind that gets blown directly into my face. I am scared of the darkness that surrounds me and the uncertainty that abounds in this neck of the woods but I am determined to continue down the path on my way to whatever comes after this life that we are now living. I am determined to let the past be the past and the future be this amazing adventure of smiles and laughter, tears and fears, trials and tribulations...and fun. Definitely have to have the fun.
I am determined to live my life as me. That is my only goal. I just want to be me.
And who is that?
I am the conglomeration of a lot of things. I am a separated woman beginning the legal proceedings of a mostly amicable divorce, the mother of two young children, and the girlfriend of a man who reminds me daily that life can be as simple or as complicated as I let it be.
So when that man tells me to "do it", I am going to stand up and take notice. I will consider why I can or cannot accomplish a task and what I have to do to benefit from it while still being true to the being that I have been neglecting for some time. The me that has remained hidden for quite some time but is now out and flying and ready to see the world and to experience it's beauty. Yes, when he tells me that I can do something, I know that I can do it. Because he has faith in me and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.
So I am off and flying. Watch your heads for falling obscenities and random acts of bitchiness. They are likely to occur here often for that is who I am and that is who I plan to celebrate being for the rest of my days here on theis planet.
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