Simple Complexities of a Fifty Dollar Bet...

It happened yesterday.  Or ten months ago.  Maybe it was a full lifetime.  It doesn't really matter because the fact is that it happened. 

He lost a bet.  Fifty dollars to be put into my hand at an undetermined date and time.  One that is yet to come...or won't ever come.  Whatever.  The important thing is that he lost. 

And that meant I won. 

More than I ever imagined I would win.  That bet made me the richest woman on the planet. 

I radiate my wealth daily.  On the good days, I shine like gold.  On the bad days, my luster is still present. 

He made me rich.  And there is not enough appreciation in the whole world for such a wealth. 

I get richer every single day. 

I am full of admiration, wonder, happiness...and most of all...love. 

So thanks for losing that bet.

I remember laying in the grass, shaking with anticipation.  Willing the tears not to fall.  Forcing my mouth to resist forming the words that hung so thick in the air around us.  Wondering if you could hear my heart slamming against my ribcage.  If you were thinking and feeling the same things as I.  If I was being a fool and how in the hell I had missed finding that exact feeling my whole life. 

Today I know the answers to all but my wonders will never cease when I look at you.  Ever. 

Because your love is too simple for the complex man. 
Because your love is too big to ever ingnore.

Because...I'm still waiting for that fifty. 

What are you looking for inside of my head?

She keeps telling me she wants to know more.  That she misses me and wants to know whats in my brain these days.  Really what shes asking is why did I do it.  She's looking for an explanation of my actions and wanting to know how it is that I am surviving...or even more amazingly living...through the past year.  Just to let her off the hook, she's not the only one wondering but not quite enough to just open their mouths and ask the questions they are wishing the answers for.  People have their own lives.  And since my actions do not actually affect their lives, there is no real point in having a real conversation and asking questions.  Right?

Truth is this...

I began my latest journey not knowing where I was headed.  (I still have not a clue as to where my life is going.)  And aside from the initial ramblings when I tried to reassure myself that I was doing not only the right thing for me but the right thing for every party involved by getting the advice of a few really close people, I have not actually opened up about anything involving my life for the past year.  I did it on purpose.  For the first time in my life, I decided to live for me.  I made a concious decision to do what was going to be in MY best interest and stop living for the people around me.  It was hard.  Hella hard.  But I shut myself off from anyone that was extended beyond the immediate situation.  I didn't want outside opinions to hinder or change whatever decisions I was making in my heart and in my logical head.  I wanted to be me...for me...for once. 

Once I got past those decision making times and came to terms with the direction my life was headed in, I didn't make it a point to bring back in the people I love.  If they wanted to know, they knew where to find me.  I continued on my path and the more I traveled and the more I found the way back to myself, the more I realized that I loved the comfort of my small little bubble.  My man, my kids, my work.  Nothing in the outside world meant anything close to those three things.  They were my new life.  They still are.  And I am very happy living in that bubble. 

But she wants to see in my head.

And I want to write.

For me.

I found myself again, dear sister.  Lost once in a world no one believes, I have emerged as a butterfly; colorful as ever and at peace with my world.